Why am I shaking after an argument?

Adrenaline produces tremor, a fast heart rate and nausea, and it takes twenty to thirty minutes to clear. Rapid breathing during the argument adds tingling and light-headedness by lowering carbon dioxide.

Should I walk away mid-argument?

With two conditions: say you are going and say when you will be back, and then come back. A break without those is stonewalling, which conflict research identifies as one of the most damaging patterns.

How long before I can talk about it properly?

Twenty to thirty minutes for the arousal to fall meaningfully, and use the time to walk rather than to rehearse. Rehearsing keeps the arousal up and produces a worse second conversation.

After an argument: the shaking, the replay, and the twenty minutes

It is over and your hands are shaking. Your heart is loud, you feel sick, and you are composing the thing you should have said. Going back in now would make it worse and you can feel yourself about to.

Do this now

Twenty minutes, then return

5 minutes

Leave the room and say that you are coming back. "Twenty minutes" — announced, not stormed.
Two nasal inhales, one long mouth exhale. Six rounds.
Then walk, outside if possible, for ten minutes, with the exhale longer than the inhale.
Do not rehearse the argument while you walk. When it starts, name it — "replay" — and come back to the exhale.
Return at twenty minutes and say one sentence about what you actually want, not about who was right.

Run it with a timer

Physiological flooding

Relationship research describes flooding: heart rate rises past roughly 100 beats a minute during conflict and the capacity for listening, empathy and problem-solving drops sharply. Observational work found that couples who took a structured break during flooding had markedly calmer and more productive conversations afterwards. Twenty to thirty minutes is the widely used figure because that is roughly how long the arousal takes to come down.

Why the shaking happens

Adrenaline and noradrenaline produce tremor, a fast heart rate, nausea and cold hands, and they do not clear the moment the shouting stops. Add rapid breathing during the argument, which lowers carbon dioxide, and you get tingling and light-headedness on top. None of that is a sign of anything wrong with you — it is the same response that would be useful if the threat were physical.

Why the break has to include a return

A break without a stated return is stonewalling, which is one of the more corrosive patterns in conflict research — the other person experiences it as abandonment and the underlying issue stays live. The two things that make a break work are announcing it with a time and actually coming back. Without those it is avoidance with a technique attached.

What changes it, over a week

During conflict
One long exhale before each reply. It buys two seconds, and two seconds is where most of the damage is avoided.
When flooded
Announce twenty minutes, walk, breathe, do not rehearse, come back. The announcing and the coming back are what make it work.
Afterwards
One sentence about what you want rather than who was right. Repair conversations that start with a want go better than those that start with a verdict.
Agree it in advance
Decide with the other person now, while calm, that either of you can call twenty minutes. A rule agreed in peacetime is usable in wartime.

When this is not a breathing pattern

See a clinician — promptly, and before assuming any of this applies to you — if any of these describe you:

Any physical aggression, intimidation, threats or fear of your partner or family member — that is not a conflict-skills problem, and support is available today
Fear of your own reactions, or someone telling you they are afraid of you
Arguments involving alcohol or substances
Chest pain, fainting, or breathlessness that persists after the argument — get assessed
Any thoughts of harming yourself or anyone else — contact your doctor or a crisis line today

This page is education, not medical advice, and no part of it is a diagnosis. Full disclaimer.

Questions people ask

Why am I shaking after an argument?: Adrenaline produces tremor, a fast heart rate and nausea, and it takes twenty to thirty minutes to clear. Rapid breathing during the argument adds tingling and light-headedness by lowering carbon dioxide.
Should I walk away mid-argument?: With two conditions: say you are going and say when you will be back, and then come back. A break without those is stonewalling, which conflict research identifies as one of the most damaging patterns.
How long before I can talk about it properly?: Twenty to thirty minutes for the arousal to fall meaningfully, and use the time to walk rather than to rehearse. Rehearsing keeps the arousal up and produces a worse second conversation.

What this page is built on

— Gottman & Levenson, 1992, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology — physiological flooding during marital conflict and its effects
— Kjærvik & Bushman, 2024, Clinical Psychology Review — arousal-decreasing activities reduce anger
— Balban et al., 2023, Cell Reports Medicine — cyclic sighing and acute arousal

Named by author and year. The DOIs live in the journal.

Put a number on it

Most of what is on this page tracks one measurement: the Control Pause. It takes sixty seconds, needs no account, and it is the thing that tells you whether any of this is working.